Simply put 2024 was hard, harder than any other year in my living memory.
20+ years of service, 25+ years of partnership, 10+ years of motherhood and yet nothing seemed to matter. Everything seemed to be falling apart.
I was trying to hold myself tightly wrapped up in a swaddle and still my soul lacked warmth.
I sought refuge in the known alleys of childhood, the haunts of my youth, the camaraderie of the bygones and still nothing, nothing seemed to shine through the darkness.
My inside was like the hungry belly of a whale absorbing every goodness, every gesture of kindness, every small touch of love and yet remained hungry, yet remained cold.
Christmas came and passed, my 11-year-old kept strumming his Ukelele not knowing how to, how to spread his warmth to me.
He knows every time his mother is cold.
I saw him retreat to his shell and yet I could not reach out. What can be harder for a mother?
Soon 2024 was over and the New Year stepped in, people were making new resolutions or trying to reinstate the old ones. I had none. I was merely trying to keep my pieces together. Nothing felt good, not the new year anyway. I had paid to join a wellness class starting the 2nd of Jan 2025. Jan 2nd came and went; I could not muster to join the class. WhatsApp messages poured in as to how refreshing and reviving the class was.
I grew bitter at myself for not showing up. Showing up was my strength, I was strong always, as far as I can remember.
Back at work, at my desk the rays of sun poured in through the glass doors. I moved my laptop to set myself more towards the sun.
The despondent me looked at the task list staring at me and we stared at each other for some time.I could not bear this self of me.
I almost yanked open the glass doors and stepped out on to the balcony, now bathed with sunlight.
On the badminton court opposite me two middle aged men were doing yoga on their mats, one teaching the other.
A couple of old women sat on a bench holding their walking sticks.
A few young nannies strolled around with babies.
Maids were rushing from one tower to the other.
That is when my body felt a little mellow, I felt it is not fighting the warmth anymore.
Tears flooded down my eyes and slowly I thawed. The frozen inner self comforted itself and let go.
That is when the new year dawned on me. I realized every day; every task of life is a resolution.
And so many of us do not resolve anything and yet perform and keep performing the same tasks diligently from sunrise to another sunrise without fail and that is how we thrive.
I dare not belittle any brilliant mind, any innovation that has made our lives so convenient that I can have the privilege to stand in my balcony and wonder.
Yet, in that moment of tingling warmth I felt the people who strive to drive their autos every day just for the sake of driving it, people who check in every delivery boy through My Gate, my father in law who wakes up every morning even at 80 to go down to his desk to work are the people who I resolve to emulate. I wish to have their strength to carry on every day, with all the pain and the little joy, I want to do the mundane and walk around the society with everyone, smile and say Namaste, look for the little screw that fell of Virat’s bike, and come up and have my tea with or without a biscuit. May that be my 2025.
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