Present, or Absent?

A day later I am still the same —

lost in my thoughts

of what is lost and what more

will be fought.

I go about my way, grind coffee

reminding me of the Colombian

girl and her Bangladeshi boyfriend.

Are they still together?

Both countries have lost so much,

they have found love

under the coffee trees flowering.

I have been spiraling down; caffeine was not helping. Even the new flavored tonic water that Big Basket delivered was unable to lift my deflated self. We watched ex-Machina last night. Now, that helped. It triggered the unknown. I found myself back at my final project presentation of Engineering more than two decades ago. I had dug deep, excavated and mined to present something that would not be just for the sake of presenting myself as credible or intelligent but something that would fire up my neurons. Artificial Neural Network (ANN) is what I had picked and created slides on OHP sheets.

At the end of the movie, as the credits rolled, I asked S (he is the techie), is AI the same as ANN. I was probably trying to bring alive that curious girl through that question or may be simply trying my hippocampus and release some dopamine.

That question eventually led to a long conversation on where we stand with AI today and where we can imagine this going. I found myself with this one question again and again, since everything is rewards based extrinsic or intrinsic, and the slump is not, will they be able to feel that as well?

As I understand, there is no clear answer. We understand very little of ourselves in the first place.

When we talk about consciousness, what exactly do we mean. To me, it means what we perceive of the world and how we react to it. AI probably can simulate all that we can feel as it has processed billions and trillions of data on human reactions, literature, medical notes, legal notes (legally or illegally – is a different question) but in no time it can surprise us by showing consciousness. Surprisingly I did not feel threatened by it. Slump on one had is an anomaly that happens for at least more than a score of things misaligning. Psychotherapists have been working long and dark nights on these subjects, but it is immensely complex to deterministically say anything specific without going through each case with care and utmost attention. No wonder therapy costs so much!

I wanted to understand a little more. For me the more important question was will they be able to feel the pain the way I feel. Not the physical pain, like how the brain signals you not to touch the hot pan, or jump into the ice-cold river, but what the ones that leave you cold in your heart  — that one thing you wanted to hear from your mother when you had a bad day at school, that one hug you wished your roommate would warm you with when you surprised her by writing a poem on her birthday and reciting it aloud at the stroke of midnight, that one letter you thought your sibling might write on your first birthday away from home — S said why not?

Because these have no value, to anyone but to you, I said. There is no reward attached to any of these. Unless you are built that way cell by cell, molecule by molecule.

In their case, code by code — they might gain autonomy and re write their own self.

What about religion? I asked. Will they have religion of their own.

Why not? May be leaders, factions everything just like us. — S went on.

Then what is the point? Of creating them? How are they any different?

They are faster.

Faster for what?

We have already reached fatigue of over consuming. We are hit dead with choices. We are all multitalented and multifaceted in one lifetime.

Still faster?

As I keep asking questions, I realized I was ready for AI to take over my happiness, but not my sadness. Those were intimately and fiercely mine. I will protect them over my dead body and write poetry — of love only I have known.

As the world gets busy with the present, I focus on the absence. Absence of all that has been lost and is going to get lost in the days to come.

Let that be my only pursuit.